wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
What drink are we having for lunch?
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Randomize
