Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
This can only be settled by a dance off.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
