my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
