1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
Randomize
