happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
it was like his penis was on wheels.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
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