So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Randomize
