tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
