Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize