stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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