Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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