If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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