Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
