i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Just pee around me
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Randomize
