well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
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