cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
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