Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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