how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
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