There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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