I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
