you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
