Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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