I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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