I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
