Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
