i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
she smelled like a LAN party
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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