i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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