i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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