On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
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