Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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