I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Randomize
