Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(516): View more from New York

Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.

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(303): View more from Colorado

You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad

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(440): View more from Ohio

Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.

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(917): View more from New York City

Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.

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(630): View more from Illinois

oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...

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(310): View more from California

Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea

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(778): View more from British Columbia

Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.

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