i wish starbucks made bloody marys
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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