oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
