Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
