Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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