I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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