I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
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