he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
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