So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Too much gin, very little bucket
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Randomize
