Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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