Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
