I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
