someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
it wasn't lemon gatorade
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
