We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
