my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
