Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Randomize
