there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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