what if every blade of grass was a penis?
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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