I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
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