i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
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