he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
