I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
