the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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