I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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