When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Randomize
