carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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