I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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