I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
